The ZIM Archives
by Pure Aura-Chan
Summary: ZIM begins to keep record of his "victories" on Earth and does so in diary format. From Jelly Bombs, earthquakes in LA, dreaded "skool" tests, and overdose on waffles, The ZIM Archives are sure to give you a laugh. Please Read&Review. ONESHOT.


_**The ZIM Archives**_

_Day 1_

Since my arrival of this PATHETIC planet, I've been hoping to make a record of my VICTORIES FOR ZIM! Now, I have that chance. That slime ball Dib- human has been getting on my everlasting nerve. He makes my sqeedily spooch twist and turn. Today, he threatened to take off my disguise in class today. That itself wouldn't be an issue if he HADN'T ACTUALLY DONE SO! I had to bring out the "pink eye" excuse again. I swear by Irk that if that human lays another filthy hand on the ALMIGHTY ZIM, he has another thing coming… Mwa… mwahahahaha! Mwahaha- *Cough, cough* -hahaha!

_Day 2_

I was able to sneak into the Dib's home today. It was smart of me to do so. I found some useful papers that could be the END TO HUMANITY! Though, it turns out it was just so stupid homework for Spanish class- wait… what is this Span-ish of which the Dib- human knows? I must find out more! It may be some secret code or a letter to his weakling Swollen Eyeball Network. PATHETIC!

_Day 3_

I've planned for an ambush on the feeble Dib- human at school tomorrow. I've found his weakness: Mashed Potatoes. Apparently the school lunch has hurt Zita, so Dib's skeptic about it. That filthy Earth boy has another thing coming if he doesn't watch his back. GIR and I were working non- stop tonight on preparing a food launcher.

_Day 4_

MWAHAHAHAHA! Pit-i-ful human! VICTORY FOR ZIM! That boy should be long gone for a few days. While he is, I'm going to fly the Voot Cruiser around this stupid rock of a planet and gain samples to send to the Tallest. Maybe this planet can be more of a use than I thought…

"GIR! Gah! Stop it, stop, stop, STOP!" I threw him off of my head.

Where was I… oh yeah! Samples… samples…

_Day 5_

"Hello pig- smelly."

"Your voice is stupid." Gaz walked away after smashing my face into the lunch.

"MY EYES! MY SUPERIOR EYES!" I flailed around on the lunch table.

Pfft, forget them. ZIM needs NO ONE! I have found out some useful data of Earth' "Tectonic Plates". Apparently, when they move, they can trigger sonic booms from underneath the Earth. I must find how to trigger one! That should prep the humans for the coming DOOM of the Armada. Yes… haha… hahaha… Mwahahaha!

_Day 6_

I have destroyed the city! Well… not the city I'm in… Somewhere called "Los Angles". I guess this is a job well done… Yeah… I just wonder what I'm going to do next… I mean, I guess I can go terrorize some humans, but that doesn't fulfill the HUNGER OF ZIM! GIR has been making waffles nonstop, but, as long as it's not cake for a party, I'm fine with it. It keeps him away from my lab and machines or as I call it, "stuff he can destroy". Why couldn't I get a better SIR? I am ZIM; I deserve someone worthy of my genius. Even Mimimoose has its flaws. Why can't I get better SLAVES- I mean *cough, cough* GOOD FRIENDS?

_Day 7_

"Hey, what is this, some kind of Alien Diary?"

"Get your filthy smelly hands off of my victories!"

"What victories? Sure you blew up LA and make me sick for a few days, but that's all, ZIM."

"YOU'RE MAKING IT UP!" I snatched the book back.

Now that that's settled… I haven't been able to sleep lately. Could it be that I'm missing something? With an Earth holiday known as Valentine's Day approaching and a LAME school dance, this could be my one chance to redeem my ZIMNESS! I could plant a bomb of some sort in the school that explodes JELLY! Yes, I shall. And this shouldn't backfire like the Time Warp Field. Yes, I can see it now… Not even the Dib- human can stop me now!

_Day 8_

I have set the plan in motion. It's called "Operation Drown School in TWO Tons of Jelly". Hmm, that's a long name, isn't it? Oh well. I already have the machinery ready for the day of the dance. Now that it's Monday again, I can see which human is the most vulnerable to my JELLY OF DOOM! Possibly Melvin or maybe Old Kid… or Torque… Letter M? WHO? At least I was able to eat my pork cow today, or as the humans call it, a muffin. That's another human food that doesn't BLOW ME UP when I eat it. A whole lifetime of muffins and waffles… I'm going to get fa-at. NO! I don't want to be a Skoodge! No! I'm to HANDSOME to be ugly! BWAAAAA!

_Day 9_

Why do I even attend this stupid "skool"? Ah yes, to receive so called "intelligent" information on the humans. Want to know what I've learned? How to skin a moose! That's useless in human conquest! I made another transmission to the Tallest alerting them of my BRILLIANT plan of jelly. Of course, I had to show them the plan by performing a puppet show. They enjoyed it quite well. All I have to do now is to finish up the blast container to store my jelly.

_Day 10_

"What is this "test" of which you speak?" I asked Ms. Bitters.

"It's a test of your knowledge to help you doomed children learn."

"Do I have to take it-?"

"YES!" she hissed.

Yes, I had to take a pathetic human test of knowledge. Why is it such an important thing to test our brains of juice? My superior mind can ace anything! Bring on the grade Ms. Bitters! I can take an A++. It won't pain me to know I won't receive an A+++, but all is well. For now…

_Day 11_

The Dib- weasel waved a graded paper in front of my face. "Huh, huh? An A+! Are you jealous?"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW OF MY PLAN OF JELLY!"

"Uh, what?"

"YOU'RE LYING!"

Curse that pig- monkey. How can I get an F? HOW? Ugggg! *Kicks trash can* Curse the stupid humans! Curse 'em all! I will show them the power of IRKEN JUDGMENT! I WILL SHOW THEM ALL! YOU DARE FACE THE MIGHTY ZIM!

_Day 12_

Friday. Finally I have an entire weekend to prepare for the upcoming dance. Better yet, the Dib won't be there because he's helping his dad at his lab. Gaz is nothing to worry about, just as long as I don't cover her in jelly. That demonic girl would end ZIM's life. *Shivers* Anyways, another boring night with another boring "Angry Monkey Show" on tonight with another boring routine and another boring plate of waffles.

_Day 13_

2 MORE DAYS! Woot! *Pumps fist* The Dib is suspecting me of evil so I had to get rid of him, well, the lawn gnomes did. I also ran into "Madness", you know, the dog with meat, the one that has DESTROYED my plans before. Why is this Earth so filthy? It's bad enough the water here burns me, but so do the disgusting people! Pity on your SOULS!

_Day 14_

I am BURSTING with excitement! Tomorrow will be the end! THE END! But, as long as I'm out of this planet's atmosphere by 2012, which I've heard is the end of the planet's life (Thank The Tallest!). I snuck into the "skool" last night to plant the Jelly Bomb. It is only a matter of time… before the students of the school bow down to ME! THE MIGHTY ZIM!

_Day 15_

It's obvious that these records aren't helping me in anyway, so I'm going to stop them for the greater good of Irk. That Jelly Bomb I made… sorta backfired and now my BEAUTIFUL BASE IS COVERED IN GOO! Why me… and yet the Dib- human's house is untouched. I'm just… going to bed.

_-ZIM Archives are under IRKEN PROTECTION LAW 374 for intended purposes of Invader ZIM and other Irkens only. No outsiders are allowed to seize, burn, copy, or see this._

**_Author's Notes: I was asked to make a ZIM version of "The Dib Diaries", so I did. I hope everyone has enjoyed this! Please note: This is a ONESHOT. Please Review._**


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